Life With Baby Doll: Never Thought That I Could Love

WARNING:  The links contained within this post will take you to sites with content for mature readers only.  However, this post is suitable for a PG audience. 

Andrew (left) and John ~ February 14, 2014

For those readers who also follow me on Social Media, you are aware that I completed my surgery on February 19th.  I was released from the hospital on Friday, February 21st.  Now, I am in the first pre-op week following a TAH (Total Abdominal Hysterectomy). Not only was the operation medically necessary, but it was a first step towards my medical transition.

I have stated the following frequently  in regards to questions concerning my decision for surgery:

“I have transitioned in every other way since the age of five. Some professionals would state that such actions (my surgery) would be the next logical step.  I still firmly believe that everyone transitions in their own way, and at their own time.  Gender and sexual orientation are not defined by surgeries and / or hormones, or the lack thereof.  Perhaps, I will always be transitioning to Andrew Kyle Kinley.” 

This will not be a long post this week, as I am still in the early stages of recovery.  Since the Life With Baby Doll series is a weekly feature on this Website, I am making a short post.

Surgery is not only taxing on the physical body, but on the mental spirit as well.  I’ve experienced a great deal of emotions since I found out that I would need the operation in late October, 2013. However, the most important feelings that I’ve known during that time have been the love and support from my family, friends, and readers.  I am very proud of my children for taking care of the house while John and I were away at the hospital.  Also, Baby  Doll’s unconditional love and support has gotten me through half the journey, the other half of my road is in recovery.

Most all know that I have a very dominant and masculine personality. However everyone, even men like myself, are vulnerable to something.  I struggle predominately with gender dysphoria, phobias, and severe anxiety / panic disorders.  One of my triggers is fear of  surgical procedures. While at the hospital, those same dark struggles reared their ugly heads.  During that time, I realized that I never thought I would be able to love someone as much as I love my partner.  John was the angel of light that kept the darkness from consuming me.

On my last night at the hospital, John wheeled a small metal stool next to my bedside, took my hand, and told me that he would wait with me until I feel asleep.  The circumstances surrounding his need to do that are unimportant, as the fact that I found my dominance surrendering for a moment into the comfort of  the man’s touch.

“Thought I was the one who was supposed to be doing that,” I spoke quietly, tightly accepting the hand that was offered.  

“You will…soon…but right now, you’re going to take what you need from me.  That’s an act of dominance, too, you know.”

“This a dangerous offer,” I replied closing my eyes, “because I’ll take everything.”

“You always do, Casanova, now try to get some sleep.”

Alas, it was the gay baby who had rescued me.  Readers know that how often is a secret. I wouldn’t want to destroy my top status.  In allowing myself to sometimes experience emotions from a submissive point of view, I feel that it has helped me understand my role as the dominant partner in the top / bottom dynamic that I share with John.  That knowledge has given me a tenderness in those interactions with Baby Doll.  Hence, I coined the term tender dominance.

“How did a man like myself ever get the attention of a Midnight Angel?  Honey, you are the sweet and precious dream that saved my life.  The only reason that I survived.  While I never thought that I would love anyone romantically, being your partner is an all consuming, passionate inferno, that burns within me.” ~ Andrew  

To learn more about this series and find a recent list of archives visit: Life With Baby Doll.  Due to the increasing popularity of these posts, I have created the permanent tab on my Website that contains information concerning the intense and passionate love affair that I share with my partner, John Jericho.

I enjoy hearing from all of my readers, and look forward to your e-mails. Remember Love is Love…Period.

Andrew K Kinley  is a ManLove erotic romance author for Siren-Bookstrand Publishing  and LGBTQ rights activist based in Hot Springs, AR.  All of his work can be found at:  A K Kinley.  For questions or comments please e-mail him at authorakkinley@gmail.com.