WARNING: The links contained within this post will take you to sites with content for mature readers only. However, this post is suitable for a PG audience.
I consider myself a very masculine sort of man, one who cares for his partner with what I like to refer to as a tender dominance. I derive emotional and physical pleasure from knowing that Baby Doll trusts and submits his heart and body to my care. Even a man such as myself is vulnerable to weaknesses. One of mine appears in the form of gender dysphoria. The definition of gender dysphoria is a strong dissatisfaction with the gender assigned at birth, as the person finds themselves identifying as the opposite sex.
Having been a gay transman from my earliest memory, I’ve always experienced different levels of dysphoria. The worst episodes that I can remember were during early puberty and my high school years. As a result, I contemplated suicide in 1991 at the age of seventeen. Those readers who follow this series know that meeting my partner, John Jericho, changed the course of my life, including the impending suicide. Since then, I haven’t been completely immune to the effects of dyphoria. Regardless of the emotional trauma that the condition inflicts, I always know that the touch of John’s manlove will prevent me from slipping so far into the dark that I would desire once again to try and take my own life.
One personal dysphoria trigger is visiting the gynecologist. I felt like a fish out of water, this past Monday afternoon, sitting in a waiting room full of pregnant women and femininity. This time I had waited two years to go, and the only reason I did was because I feared not having access to early detection of certain illnesses.
Regardless of the fact that I am a Pre-op, Pre-Hormone transman, there are certain areas of my body that are completely ignored by myself, my partner, and the rest of the world in general. Note to the curious, the areas that are my masculine body are also the same for my character, Reed Collins, in my short story, Playboy28. The only difference is that I am a top in my romantic relationship with John. This dislike for certain areas of my body, has made it easy and desirable to assume that status with him.
That afternoon as I drove John and myself home, I spoke very little, while I tried to hold on to every shred of manhood that I could get my hands on. Now I had another appointment, an ultrasound in a week, to check on my ever growing fibroids, as apparently my doctor didn’t like what she felt. She never does. I’ve lived with that condition for the better part of ten years. Baby Doll sat quietly beside me, as I gripped the wheel with one hand, and caressed his fingers with the other.
The house was quiet when we arrived home. Our sixteen-year-old son was at the gym. Sarah, our thirteen year old daughter, was Skyping with her boyfriend in her room. I locked our bedroom door behind us, walking to the window. Staring into the wooded area behind our condominium, I felt Baby Doll’s arms immediately go around my body. Usually, I am the one holding him from that position. I am a firm believer that men can cry. While I don’t shed tears very often, John always knows what circumstances will break my resolve. He held me close in his arms while I wept.
****
John was the first to speak, “Andrew, you know that you’re my man, and you satisfy me in every way.”“Alright,” I spoke as the dysphoria continued to rage.“What did you tell me the last time you made love to me?”“That when I touch you I am more masculine than at any other time, and that my pleasure depends on yours.”“No one ever knew my heart, or cared to look,” John whispered softly. ”No man has ever pleasured me in bed the way you do.”Turning to face my lover, his face and eyes shown with the look of passion that I often try to elicit.“Make love to me, Andrew?” John asked.“Now?” I replied.
****
Of course I knew I was going to, but after letting my guard down moments before in his arms, I had to act like I had a certain level of control in the situation. Any gay man like myself, particularly one who is attracted to sweet effeminate males, would be out of his mind to refuse the advances of his partner.
While making love to John on Monday afternoon did much to dispel my gender dysphoria for a time, I am convinced that the touch of ManLove is the best medicine of all.
To learn more about this series and find a recent list of archives visit: Life With Baby Doll. More will be added, as I continue to update my new Website. Due to the increasing popularity of these posts, I have created the permanent tab on my Website that contains information concerning the intense and passionate love affair that I share with my partner, John Jericho.
I enjoy hearing from all of my readers, and look forward to your e-mails. Remember Love is Love…Period.
Andrew K Kinley is a ManLove erotic romance author for Siren-Bookstrand Publishing and LGBTQ rights activist based in Hot Springs, AR. All of his work can be found at: A K Kinley. For questions or comments please e-mail him at authorakkinley@gmail.com.
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